This is not a happy entry. Those people who know me personally – and my moods – can look away now.
So. Linguistic things that irritate me. There are the long-term things, which I think are likely to be permanent, like the use of “cheers” to mean “thank you.” Or the use of “absolutely” to mean “yes” (the fact that “assolutamente” can also mean “no” in Italian, and that therefore many English-speaking tourists will hopefully have got into confusing situations is a small consolation). The use of “myself/yourself” to mean “me/you.” Apostrophe s used as a plural.
Then there are things which I hope are temporary trends. Matiness in corporate prose, though, has been increasing with worrying relentlessness. It started off with everyone using sans serif fonts. Now we have Jonathan Crisp packets that say “give us a tinkle,” instead of “phone us.” The Innocent smoothies whose ads exhort people to crush fruit not poor indigenous fruit pickers. Every bloody bank pamphlet that recommends that customers – sorry, clients – “pop into a branch,” when it is much simpler to “visit.” It all makes “have a nice day” seem, well, nice.
My esteemed colleague Peter Lyle has written about this matiness – at greater length and with greater style than I just did – in the current issue of Tank magazine, for which he is features editor and I am executive features editor and which Masoud the editor says I never plug enough. (Buy Tank! Only £5! With Juliette “it's such a big, big sky” Lewis on the cover!) Peter's piece features all the above culprits, along with a product recall ad from Asda, which I saw one day in a newspaper and had to read three times to make sure it was as appalling as I initially thought. Yes, it was.
It read as follows:
ASDA Carbon Steel Hand Axe
Our ASDA brand Carbon Steel Hand Axe would be fantastic apart from the fact that the head can come detached from the handle.
Quite clearly this is not on so we've decided that you need to know.
Thankfully no one has been hurt.
If you've bought one then please can you bring it back.
In return we will of course give you your money back – you don't even need your receipt.
We've also had a word with the buyer to make sure this doesn't happen again.
It goes without saying… we're very sorry indeed.
For further information please contact Asda Customer Relations- 0500 100 055
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On the other hand, here are some things that don't irritate me: My clever friends. I'm not even talking about the polymath that is 
Rhodri. Or the clinical psychologist who runs an NHS department and has three children and does marathon running. Or the two humanitarian geniuses who run entire country programmes for their NGOs in difficult countries in Africa. Or the writers, photographers or pop-stars.
This evening's clever friend featured in an event at Bookmarks, apparently the leading socialist bookshop in the UK (or, as some horrible corporate PR person said on the radio today, “in GB.”) Bookmarks is nice enough, despite the Women's Liberation shelves turning into gay and queer books with no apparent distinction. The clever friend is Sasha Abramsky, who was an intern with me at the Nation magazine in 1994, and who has now written a book. The book, about how the US disenfranchises its ex-felons and how this probably helped win George W. Bush the election(s), is probably good (it is bought but not read). But Sasha the Speaker is excellent. Articulate, impressive and with politics far more intact than mine are. Hell, these days I even think immigrants should learn English. The days of me being a rabid activist against the evils of NAFTA are long gone, along with the daily breakfast of a coffee and a cinnamon raisin bagel, toasted, with cream cheese, which I would take to the crumbly, lovely Nation offices on Fifth Avenue and Fourteenth Street and eat at the big table with my fellow interns, including the should-be-famous Sasha. Buy his book. You know you care about disenfranchised felons.
Hello, Byron.
Get walking, Molly.