I have just spent 79 pence on a piece of music performed by Roger Whittaker. That's not something I would ever have expected to do before today. Or to admit to. The reason I now own Mexican Whistler by Roger Whittaker is because it's not on Limewire and because today I have attended the funeral of Ron Kenyon. He was no relation but sort of family. He and his wife Ella – both 5 feet nothing, both thin as sticks, married for 58 years – turned up at our house a couple of years after my father died in 1975. My mother, being an impoverished (dead) vicar's wife, had no money and a Victorian house and two children under ten to look after. The house was huge, beautiful and bloody freezing. Mr. and Mrs. K,, as they were forever known thereafter, arrived on the doorstep hand in hand. From then on, Mr. K. did the electrics and Mrs. K. was officially the housekeeper/cleaner and unofficially our second mother. The first one was working hard to earn enough to bring up two small children and heat a big freezing house where the ceilings fell in and the damp rose.
Mr. K. was an honorary Yorkshireman, having been born in the south and keeping until the last his cockney-ish accent despite 58 years up north. He and Mrs. K. sent a birthday card to me every year without fail for the last 30 years. She taught me to take tea without sugar. He taught me and my brother “bloody 'ell.” He had been in the army – where he'd met Mrs. K. – and had served in Egypt, India and Palestine. He liked cats and sherry. He was remembered in St. Peter's Church, Birstall with two modern hymns I'd never heard of (and judging by the silent singing, neither had anyone else) and in Dewsbury Crematorium by some jazzy number and then, at the end, by Mexican Whistler, which apparently he used to whistle round the house every Sunday morning, making lie-ins impossible. The Mexican Whistler made Mrs. K. wobble a bit – but not much, because she's Mrs. K. – and it made most people smile. I think that is worth 79 pence. I think I'll have it at my funeral too. Along with a Yorkshire pudding and roast potato buffet. Ta-ra, Ron.